The need to be perfect, a poison or an antidote?

“You don’t need to be perfect to be happy, all you need is just a pinch of all the flavors life has in store for you, and smile your way through.”

Gaurav Badola

Last week, as I was coming home, I felt low, again, terrified of where I’m heading towards.
Growing up, I spent a big part of my life feeling like I wasn’t enough. I used to be fat, so that also helped a bit. I knew I was odd, and that too, not in a good way.

As an introvert, I had little access to all of the emotions I had learned to keep within. Even if I knew what I was feeling, I didn’t have my way with words. Just like many others out there.
People took that as a sign of weirdness, and I was left out. Any attempt at fixing it came across as needy and desperate.

So, what did I do? I stopped trying at all. But it didn’t help either. It just made me feel more lost and isolated. At that time, all I wanted was to be accepted and recognized for who I’m. 

Cause here’s the thing: No matter who you are, the need for acceptance is a natural human tendency.

The definition of Perfection

“You live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality, but you do not know this. When you understand this, you will see that you are nothing, and being nothing you are everything. That is all.”

Kalu Rinpoche

As I grew older, it started to fall in place somehow as I tried to fit into the world. It felt good, as people started noticing me, and that too, not weirdly. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belong somewhere. I started being happy, and it felt right.

But… the need to be accepted, though as natural it might be, is a really vulnerable place to be in.

The thing is, we all want to belong somewhere, even if our actions state otherwise. We, too, want to be yearned for. That creates a belief in our mind that the world outside is somehow responsible for our happiness and smile.

So what do we do? We gently follow the footstep of others, carving our life based on their beliefs, all the time thinking we’re free.

But if true freedom means I don’t get to be myself, then what does it even mean?
For many years, I thought freedom was just to smile, to be a part of something I can rely upon, to have a home to go back to. I was not weird now, nor I was isolated, it felt like I’ve finally become happy. And I felt good. Or so I thought.

But, that in itself was a mirage, created by this need for acceptance. When did those feelings transgress to a need to be perfect, I don’t know but, I started finding myself focusing a lot on what others thought about me, and tried to live that way. And I know I’m not alone on that either.

The person who used to sit alone at night thinking about life and whatnot, now watched shows just to have something to talk about. The people outside started mattering more to me than the voices echoing in my head.
But, just like with everything, it soon dawned on me that I’ve been fooling myself all these years in an attempt to seek validation from others.

The perfect-picture I was trying to create broke apart, and with those pieces, I finally found the freedom to move ahead… again.

Why are we striving to be Perfect? (the problem)

Because it’s easy. Let me tell you why.
From an early age, we’re told to fit into the ways of the world. We’re told to act a certain way, dress a certain way, choose goals that resonate with the society, and then hope that everything will work out. And, if for some reason we don’t fit in, we’re left to wander alone.

I still remember all of the things I felt when people around me started leaving, just because I looked a little different. It’s not like I hold a grudge against them now or something like that, but all of that made me realize one thing, and that is, the yearning to be a part of something is real, and that anyone who says it’s not, has never experienced the same.

All that just made me more conscious of everything I did, to the point that I started questioning and judging myself instead of accepting myself.

But something changed over the years. Somewhere along the journey, I started moving ahead. People’s opinions started mattering a lot less, and it felt like life is back in control again.

Yet, as I look at myself now, it feels like I’ve always made an unconscious attempt to be perfect at everything. I never really healed myself nor gave my heart the comfort it needed.
It’s not even just that. I think I never gave myself the space I needed to express myself. I never voiced my opinions, and ran towards the crowd, no matter the direction. Why?

Because it seemed like they’ve got it all figured out, with that shiny bright smile (I didn’t know the concept of a fake smile back then, even though I was a master of it myself), calm demeanor, with a special someone by their side.
I thought that maybe I can be like them as well. How absurd of me.

The biggest problem is, it feels natural. It’s easy to be a monkey in the crowd than being a stray fox in the wild. You start feeling like you’re the wrong one, even though deep inside, you know you aren’t.
So what do we do?
We begin our journey of perfecting ourselves, forgetting, we’re perfect, to start with.

The Happy Place (Does it even exist?)

For years, I thought that being perfect is the only solution to every problem I’m going through. This obsessiveness to be perfect made me lose myself beneath the shadows of others.

I started finding flaws in everything, ranging from my body to the way I even spoke. And this made me feel inadequate, fueling this need of being perfect.

Everywhere I looked, it felt like everyone has got it together. I opened Instagram, and it was the same. I opened Facebook, the same. People are literally changing their life, creating memories, traveling, and what am I doing.., trying to understand who I am. And I was nowhere near figuring it out.
Damn, those guys are cool, I thought to myself.

But here’s the thing, seeing the world from someone else’s eyes only makes you uneasy about the world you see. We forget that their view of the world is also shaped by someone else. The cool that I was looking for, for them it was just a means to stay attached with the superficial.
And then there’s that hope that everything will fall in place when we reach there. That place filled with happiness, comfort, and the most valuable thing, acceptance.

We tie perfection with happiness, and that’s the reason why most of us live unhappy lives. Because the thing is, that happy place doesn’t exist, at least not in a perfect world, since that world in itself is an illusion.
After years of agonizing myself over it, I started accepting myself amid all of the imperfections I have. And the mirage broke.

Is it okay to be imperfect?

We are helpless. All we want is power, fame, without a second thought about who or what we are. We’ve sunk ourselves into this trap of more and more. It’s a rotten cycle of chasing something invisible.

Whenever I think of this, it feels like my heart will never heal. No matter how perfect I’ll become, there’ll always be someone better.

So, should I stop trying at all, and do nothing at all?

The answer… is not that either.

Around the time I left college, I realized one thing, that is, no one really cares, even if they say they do. And, it’s not their fault either. We all have a life to run, build, and conquer.
So, where does this leave me?

I remember my last day of college, I was tired, not physically, but, inside I was a mess. The world looked slightly different, and for the first time, it felt like no one is looking at me.
And I remember asking myself, ‘Who am I doing this all for?’

The answer was silence. I was chasing all of it to fill the void that I thought existed within me.

In reality, no void within me needed healing, more so of the superficial kind. I realized I’ve been operating from fear, instead of love and innocence.
After that, I started to embrace the imperfections I so hated before. And, for the first time in ages, it felt like I’m living. Those imperfections, in reality, became the pillar that supported me. Because the time I used to spend chasing others, now became the time I used to explore myself.

I realized that it was fate. For me to live this reality, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here writing about it.
We’re all drunk on perfection, thinking it’s the antidote to all our problems, but, in reality, it’s the poison that is the cause of all problems.

So, what’s the antidote?

The Antidote

“Perfection is not an antidote, it’s the poison we’re high on.”

Gaurav Badola

Now I present to you the remedy that’ll make you happy….. ta-da, or so I wanted to say.

But it’s not that easy. It took me a lot of time to finally become comfortable with who I am, and even now, I have days when I feel empty. What I’ve learned is that it’s okay to feel that. But now I don’t beat myself up over things that are superficial and unfulfilling.

This idea of perfection only stops us from forming deep connections with others. It prevents us from being authentic to ourselves, creating these walls around us to stop others from coming in. The only thing it does is create restlessness, anxiety, and unhappiness.
So why do it then?

Why not accept the fact that we’re already perfect. Or do you think there’s a goal that you have to conquer to feel that way?
Look at it this way, who are you outside of your social circle? Do you have an identity that’s separate from the people you wish to please? Or are you something outside of the labels and tags that you think define you?

I, for not even a single second, think it’s easy to walk away from all these patterns that have built-in over the years. But, you can start walking now, outside of that place where you’ve frozen from fear and trauma.

How can I start moving ahead then?

There’s a spark within that speaks of volume that the mind doesn’t comprehend, and then there’s the noise that penetrates the vastness within without a second’s thought.

Gaurav Badola

Accept it, all of it, and then surrender yourself to the vastness that is within you. Forget the world for a moment, and look within you. Connect to the deeper self within you, and see the wholeness that exists.
Realize who you are outside of all the storylines, thoughts, beliefs, and fears you’ve accustomed yourselves to. When you see all of the battles you’ve already won, you realize you already are perfect.

It might take years for you to start feeling whole again, but then also, you have to start.
I’m not perfect. I’m clumsy, introverted, shy, messy, and slightly reserved. Some days I can even take on the moon and still smile like an idiot, while on other days, you’ll find me running away from life just like the second-hand version of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
But… I’m also empathetic, caring, and a good listener. Sometimes I have it all figured out, while sometimes I too break apart. Sometimes I’m depressed, argumentative, and anxious, but sometimes, I feel like there’s no one more amazing than me.

And I’ve realized that it’s okay. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to be. None of us have to be.
Perfection is not a measure of happiness, it never was, nor will it ever be. As soon as you get out of your head, you’ll realize that the inner world matters more than the world outside.

Hear that voice, and love yourself, in the same manner, you admire that ideal you’re chasing. Well, even more than that.

Remember, there is only one you, and that there’s no one like you. There is no one better at being you than you. Isn’t that cool? (It’s really cool)

The way you think, the scars you hide, the nights you’ve spent awake, the battles you’ve overcome, aren’t they, your badges of honor. Why do you cover them? Why do you feel guilty about them?

Don’t give the reason for your existence to someone else, they’ll never understand you. You place it in their palms in the vague hope that they’ll understand, but what if they don’t? Does your life not have a meaning then?
Wrong, you’re still perfect even if your mind and the world screams you’re not. Don’t fit into someone else’s ideal. You’ll just become a vague image of yourself.

The only antidote is healing, to start walking again even when it gets dark, not in the hope of finding something perfect, but to live your life outside of your head… again.

Can you do it?
Of course, you can. There’s nothing in the whole world that you cannot do (if science allows it). Simply don’t chase someone’s shadow, and hope to find yourself, you’ll just get lost again.

Final Thoughts

Perfection is the never-ending battle against yourself, you’ll never win it.

Gaurav Badola

The world won’t always welcome you, and that’s completely alright. You’re not even meant to fit in here.

Does it even matter if someone doesn’t like you? You may feel it does, but in reality, it doesn’t.

It’s a long journey, with lots of recurrence along the way. The old patterns will resurface, and you might feel that you’re not getting anywhere. At that moment, remind yourself why you started walking this path, despite knowing it’s going to be a lonely walk.

If you think the one who wrote this is perfect, think again. If I would’ve been perfect, this piece would’ve been flawless as well, but I know it isn’t. And I’m glad it isn’t. Otherwise, there won’t be any room to grow.

My life is not sorted out either, I also do get caught up in the comparison cycle sometime, and sometimes I do get irritated when things move too slow.
Yet I also know when to let go of things not beneficial to my inner-self. I know how to kick-out the self-harming patterns a lot quicker now, and connect with my inner-self.

And, since there’s no more comparison anymore, at least not in my head, I have started to enjoy this life again. I’m on this path of healing, just like you, so if you have any problems, write it below. Maybe I’ll be able to help you out.

And, before signing off, I want to tell you something I wish I had realized before. It is tough, really tough, to walk this path of solace. People will leave, the ones you thought never will, but somewhere along the journey, you’ll start enjoying everything about yourself.
You’ll realize that no one is really looking at you. You might feel the stare, but the ones you think are looking at you don’t even know the same.

You’ll realize that it’s okay to falter, it’s okay to be the person who doesn’t have it figured out. Cause, guess what, nobody else has (they might think they do, but they don’t).

So don’t dwell on perfection, and relax, you’re already the most perfect being ever. Only you need to know.

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