“Within the walls of my world, I lie down, hoping to see my world imbued with lies of poison and blood…asking the ‘why,’ believing the curse.”
“Me?”
The question has always felt like a crossword puzzle. Pieces within reach, and yet incomplete on their own.
Questions like “Explain yourself in 300 words? Introduce Yourself? Tell me about yourself? What do you do?” have always been the central part of our conversations, ranging from a conventional dine-out with strangers, a romantic date, or a full-on interview.
Their answers, not so much.
I’m a writer, musician, and Software Developer. More specifically, I consider myself an artist due to my never-ending desire to try out new hobbies and nurture them.
Okay, you’re impressed, right. I hope you are.
But did you see what I did above?
Like everyone, I find it difficult to separate myself from what I do. My work brings out the best in me, and I love not just the goal itself, but the regular repetitive effort to bring it to fruition. It tests me at every point, challenges me, and makes me “Me.”
“What I do” becomes “Who I am.”
Or does it?
The IDEA of Identity
“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”
Charles Horton Cooley
As a species, we’ve been a successful one, mostly due to our social order and our ability to create new realities and fictional ones (Me thinking to myself, “Doesn’t feel like that though.”)
The success, though, came from defining social groups. Earlier, it was due to our evolutionary need for belonging to survive, reproduce and flourish.
Since our survival depended on how connected we were, our behaviors adapted to get acceptance in the social group. Our immediate band and surroundings became our worldview. Anything outside of that was a threat.
The unconscious monologue that followed was, ‘I need a group to survive.’
After the agricultural revolution though…as people started to settle down, small towns and empires started emerging.
Now the problem was not so much about survival, but about finding a place to belong. Since the distribution of wealth was concentrated among a certain few percent, the fictional realities revolved around empires, religions, and culture. A classic example would be division based on color(White Vs Other), politics (Left and Right Wing), Gender, Race and socio-economic status.
So to feel secure and accepted, the “I” always got molded into an “us” somehow. And over the years, we drew our comfort shoes around it.
Fast forward to today, with the rise of individualism, internet, and freedom of speech, there’s no “us” left anywhere. It’s all about “me” or an “I.”
So where does the sense of “I” start to emerge from an “us” world? If we have been wired for group ideology, where does the concept of individual identity spring forth?
As the world started integrating more and more, groups started to dissolve to make way for nuclear societies. Now more than ever, we had free time, and most of us didn’t have to make life or death decisions on a day-to-day basis.
From an economic point of view, we’d come a lot far. But…from a biological perspective, we’re still the same old self yearning for the age-old evolutionary need for belonging and acceptance.
Acceptance by a social group, a partner or an audience…we all crave different ideas of acceptance and validation in their own forms.
So how do we form identity in a world where for the first time ever in the history of mankind we are freer than ever?
Nowadays, our social structure revolves around our phones and our make-believe world. Our storylines follow that pattern as well…a sketchy narrative in an overbearing first-person premise.
Those narratives are what we call “Personal Identity,” created by our response to the world, in other words, our core values. To preserve the intimacy we experienced from being a part of a group, we now crave idealistic goals and desires.
So what is Personal Identity?
Personal identity is our subjective view of the world, through our lens, largely dominated by our environment.
The environment plays a big role in nurturing the idea of identity for a child. Let me tell you how.
A child abandoned in his teenage years will constantly feel that there is something inherently wrong with him. He feels he’s unlovable. So his identity will now revolve around keeping people at a distance to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again.
Someone who tries to become a part of his life will often be pushed away, thus reinforcing the negative feedback loop. In other words, he will not be able to love people, as long as the loop stays.
A child with a fearful past or a violent childhood often fears conflicts and becomes a people-pleaser. His monologue works along the lines of “I need to be there for them (Otherwise they’ll leave).” The concept of setting boundaries doesn’t exist for him, as accommodating others becomes a habit.
At the expense of themselves, they feel others should thrive. They boast about their self-sacrifice, and even though they’re able to see the patterns, they can’t completely part from them.
And a child with a nurturing childhood, filled with memories of love, care, and freedom, will often develop strong independent core values. He will find it easier to navigate the obstacles and make the right decisions.
So this brings me to the question again, what is Identity?
“Identity is nothing, but a mere fragment of our biased worldview, structured by past events.”
Yep, that is it.
The NEED For An Identity
If our identity is solely dependent on our past, then why do we need it, or does it mean it cannot change?
“Who are you?” or “Tell me about yourself?” are questions aimed at summarizing the portrayal of an individual without having to dive into the unnecessary headway of getting to know someone.
In other words, the question is, “What do you think about yourself?”
You might very well describe yourself around your work and family relationships. And the context might change based on the group it’s asked in, but the gist will remain the same.
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself?
Me: My name is Gaurav, and I have experience of more than 4 years working in this domain. In my years of experience, I had the fortune of working on these technologies and bringing about the best from my team. I also love playing guitar, writing and dancing.
If the same question (or something similar) is asked by our friend or family member, the answer to it will change…but will still stay among the same lines. Around work and relationships.
The reason we need a group identity is that it allows us to communicate and present ourselves to others, and be thought of in a particular way. The level of comfort defines the level of vulnerability associated with the said group.
That said, self-presentation is a performance and the stage is decided by the context it’s set in. As we progress through life, the dynamics around the stage dims out a bit since we start identifying with things strongly, and have set rules and boundaries.
That is not to say, it cannot change. It can, but the high from the change should be more than the pain of losing the previous identity. Or the pain from the current identity should be high enough to demand a change.
But group identity is just one part of the picture. What about our personal world? If group identity suffices our need to communicate with the world, why do we need a view of ourselves?
I dreaded this part for ages. “My Identity?” If I remove everything that defines me, what’s left is nothing but a bare naked human. How do you define something with no labels or path to navigate to?
The image starts crumbling as the thought of distancing myself from those defined notions made me feel vulnerable. It was nerve-wracking.
Am I defined by my work or the effort I put in making myself prominent, or it’s the number of things I know or it’s about how good I look or it’s just defined by how much fun I have? Turns out, it’s none.
The need for identity is due to our innate desire for belonging, for a home to go back to. When we start looking in without any labels, jobs, or degrees, in the end, we just need a calm resting place to come back to.
Our identity necessarily is our self-expression to the world. It acts as our cushion against the ups and downs of life and propels us forward.
The need for “an identity” is to ensure that we find a voice for ourselves and navigate through the muddy areas with strong convictions and values.
A Walk along the Wilderness
My identity used to feel like a box filled with cherries and a nice jar of olives. I protected it like a fairy tale since the storylines I told myself since childhood felt real to me. Felt would be an understatement though. It was more of the only reality I saw.
I identified heavily with others…for their approval, acceptance, and love. And anything that disturbed it created fear within me…the thought of losing it pained me. It was more of a self-preservation mode for survival to feel true belonging.
I walked on shallow waters hoping to be tossed away into the wild. And every wave unconsciously created ripples within my heart. I watched people walk away while I stood there hoping they’ll come back, only to find myself alone.
As people left, I slowly closed myself as well. It felt like the only thing I could do back then because it ached badly each time someone left.
Years later, one day while coming back home…it rained. I had been feeling an impending emptiness within, like the calmness before a storm, for the past few days.
My shoulder felt somewhat heavier, the heart numb and restless, and there was uneasiness in my eyes. A downright mess.
But that day…as I looked up for the first time in ages, I saw people walking by…holding hands, talking, laughing. And I just stood there…with tears and emptiness. I felt hope, and in that hope, I saw the fog and the weight finally starting to lift up.
Truth be told, that closed heart did save me from a lot of heartaches. But it also didn’t allow me to have any genuine connections with others. That required vulnerability and I hadn’t learnt that till then (I’m still learning…).
But as I started walking into the wilderness…I realized that a path of vulnerability and courage required much more than just a resolve to change.
It needed me to bare down my tough front and let the universe look into it…and still, stand strong. It meant choosing the right path even when it’s filled with loneliness and empty dinner tables. Well, even more so at that state.
But once you start walking on it…you see there’s nothing more freeing than that.
It’s like watching the night sky…serene and calm. Though it rains at times as well. But as Brene Brown said, “Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness—an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching.”
And walking along the wilderness, made me see myself more than my work and my relationships. I started looking past the storylines and saw the fearful, emotionally unavailable and overthinking machine wrapped up in layers of insecurities from years of make-believe.
The more I acknowledged parts of myself, the more I realized there’s so much more than just a guy with a degree and job, and I started embracing that.
You can love what you do and be impassioned by it, be proud of your victories and achievements, but the bottom line is this: “It’s not who you are.”
Leaving the skeptical mirror
So now, you’ll be thinking, “Then why do we create an identity of make-believe if it only creates pain?”
There’s only one answer: “Belonging.”
It’s ingrained within us from our childhood to belong somewhere, be it at home, at school, work or in relationships. We’re made to believe to fit somewhere, and the reason we’re given is mostly related to the social norm or the social order.
But does this really bring us home?
I don’t believe so. Anything which binds us, or constricts us to be a fixed way, forces us out of our homes. The home we search for throughout our lives…in the arms of a loved one, or in the work we do…or the people that come and go, only serve to deepen that distant feeling of homesickness…
Walking away from that mirror of defeatist patterns isn’t easy. Scratching away those years of build-up identities isn’t a one-time checklist to be done away with. It’s filled with moments of insecurities, fears and doubts mixed in with a need to stay true to ourselves.
Will you stay true to yourself at those moments? I hope you do, and if you do mess it up at times, I hope you forgive yourself as well.
The road to deconstruct the identity myth starts with compassion, and as slowly layers of unconscious hurt start fading away, you’ll see that,
“Snuggling in the arms of a stranger…a false sense of relief…
Their home will smell like the sweet aroma of peace…and yet…
You’ll feel alone, remembering the way life used to feel like.
Walking towards infinities…finding your way home…”
Gaurav Badola
